my journey to submission

Mindless Quizzes

2006-08-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'll try to keep the quizzes I take in one big posting.

(8-18-06)
The keys to my heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

.....very true

How emotionally mature am I

***You Are 58% Grown Up, 42% Kid***
You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature.

You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them.

Sesame Street Personality quiz

***You Are Elmo***
Sweet and innocent, you expect everyone to adore you. And they usually do!

You are usually feeling: Talkative. You've got tons of stories to tell. And when you aren't talking, you're laughing.

You are famous for: Being popular, though no one knows why. Middle aged women especially like you.

How you live your life: With an open heart. "Elmo loves you!"

What color should my blog be?

***Your Blog Should Be Purple***
You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.

You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

How much I've changed in 10 years

***You've Changed 60% in 10 Years***
You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person.

You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How shy I am

***You Are 76% Shy***
You are a very shy person, and it has started to impact your life in a negative way.If you can avoid human contact, you usually do. And as a result, you miss out on a lot.

......not really a suprise. I'm just shocked my score wasn't higher.

How happy I am

***You Are 36% Happy***
You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier.

Focus on what's right in the world, and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

......kind of an emabarrrassing thing to admit. But, I learned how NOT to be happy from my upbringing

What element is my soulmate

***Your Love Element Is Water***
In love, you connect deeply and commit totally.For you, love is all about taking risks and moving into unknown territory.

You attract others with courage and confidence.Your flirting style is defined by your flexibility and ability to adapt.

Nurturing and shared learning are the cornerstones of your love life.And while you may jump in to love too quickly, you always come out the wiser for it.

You connect best with: Metal

Avoid: Earth

You And another Water element: will pull each other down into a dark place

How much of a Cancer I am

***You are 93% Cancer***

......not a suprise. I only had one false answer. I've always seemed to be a textbook Cancer. Not suprising, either, that I would connect best with a Water sign.

What Personality Disorder am I

***You May Be a Bit Borderline...***
Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!

When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...And when you're down, your whole world is crashing

Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

......No Shit??????!!!!! ROFLMAO

Am I a sociopath?

***You Are 52% Sociopath***
You're not a sociopath, but you're very prone to antisocial behavior.Other people's opinions matter little to you. You live your own fringe life - for better or worse.

.....hmm.....

***I am 60% Weird***

.....at least I'm not 80-100% weird

How American I am

***You Are 50% American***
America: You don't love it or want to leave it.But you wouldn't mind giving it an extreme make over.

On the 4th of July, you'll fly a freak flag instead...And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

......actually, at this point, I do want to live in an another country. Bush sucks ass.

What does my candy heart say?

***Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"***
A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out

Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking

What turns you off: fighting and conflict

Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

.......I have had many many people tell me that I'm a sweetheart

What drug am I like?

***Your Personality Is Like Acid***
A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.

One moment you're in your own little happy universe...And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always tripping out on one thing or another. LOL!!!!!!!!!!

How evil am I

***You Are 34% Evil***
A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.

In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

......the options they gave, made me realize I'm not really evil. I don't do bad or unlawful things to hurt anybody......except myself. I guess that is "the most dangerous kind of evil".

What Xmas movie is most like my family?

***Your Christmas is Most Like: A Christmas Story***
Loving, fun, and totally crazy.Don't shoot your eye out!

....my favorite xmas movie!! LOL

What should I be for Halloween?

***Your Haloween Costume Should Be***
A Mental Patient

......there should be a net-acronym for: Laughing So Hard I Start Choking!!! Oh, that's too funny!!! Been there, Am that!

What's my IQ?

***Your IQ Is 80***
Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Below Average
Your General Knowledge is Average

relationship quiz

2006-08-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

I borrowed this from a submissive's website. The link is: http://www.aslavesheart.com/

1. Longest relationship?
6 months

2. Shortest relationship?
a week

3. How many people have you broken up with?
7

4. How many times have you truly been in love?
once

5. Are you in love right now?
so not

6. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?
one

7. Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?
no

8. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
in the sense that the feelings of love were really intense--no

9. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
no

10. Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?
most definitely

11. Are you happier single or in a relationship?
i'm happy being single now

12. Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Yes, but only when I was young and stupid

13. Have you ever been cheated on?
yes

14. What is the best part of being in a relationship?
having someone to hold

15. What is the worst part of being in a relationship?
trying to determine boundaries

16. Worst relationship?
David but Steve is a close second

17. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes

18. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
don't know

19. Do you talk to any of your exes?
no

20. If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?
it would be nice, but no

21. Do you think any of your exes feel the same way?
don't know

22. What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?
someone I can talk and laugh with for hours. someone who's not afraid to be playful

23. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
i haven't been in the past, and haven't been with anyone in a long time

24. Have you dated people who were not good to you?
yes times 1,000,000

25. Have you been in an abusive relationship?
yes

26. Name your most memorable ex if you have one.
a guy I met in NJ

27. Have you dated someone older than you?
I've been with older men, but it's not the same thing

28. Younger?
yes

29. What is one thing that all of your exes had in common?
most were abusive

30. Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I regret something I did to an ex

31. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep over a boyfriend or girlfriend? yes

32. When is the last time that you were in a relationship?
2003

33. Believe in love at first sight?
not sure

34. Ever dated two people at once?
yes, not proud of it.

35. What's the perfect date?
July 6, my birthday

36. Ever been given a promise ring?
no

37. Ever been given an Engagement ring?
no

38. Do you want to get married?
I would very much like to

39. Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
I am so glad I've moved on; except one

40. Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Huh?

41. Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
yes

42. Do you believe in true love?
yes, The Princess Bride is my favorite movie

43. Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
yes, its miserable

haven't posted in a while

2006-08-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted here for awhile, since before summer. I've been taking a break, been trying to not even THINK about D/s stuff. I keep re-evaluating how I feel about D/s, I suppose as my healing journey progresses so does my D/s journey.

hmmmm, life can be interesting

2006-05-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

well, i don't think it's going to go anywhere with the Dom i had coffee with yesterday. what's the old adage? if a guy doesn't call you the next day, forget about it? well, he hasn't emailed me all day today.

and, anyway, i contacted a Dom from my town on collarme a few days ago. We've been emailing back and forth about starting training, and He agreed tonight. so, i'm hoping that it will be a good experience.

It turned out he was only playing with me. Well, fuck him. (8-18-06)

a Dom that i met months ago contacted me

2006-05-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

hello hello....

hmmm
I met A early in the year, at a local bdsm meeting. He was very nice, very respectful. I wasn't in any place to meet anyone at the time, which is probably why he said he was with somebody. I was disappointed as hell, but what are ya gonna do? :) lol
I remembered who he was, though.
On friday, or thursday, i was browsing around on collarme.com. Nobody's contacted me on that site for months, so I wasn't expecting anything, but I go there to read the forums.
And, A contacted me via chat, and we talked for about an hour. And, we made plans to get together this week. He said he would have definite plans today. I talked to him again on chat this morning, for another hour. We're meeting for coffee tomorrow. We're also planning on playing a bit. If things go well at coffee. I think they will. I'm not getting any red flags, and I'm actually communicating well with him. I'm feeling good about it.

Today, before therapy, I decided to go back to a Domestic Violence group at the YWCA, that I took four years ago. Just as a refresher. I'm not expecting DV (I'm trying to have very very good thoughts about him), but the course was a very good one. And, with my relationship history, it seemed essential to have the concepts fresh in my mind.

The groups are on Monday nights, so, hey, how well did THAT work out??
I just got home. First impulse I had after about 15 minutes: to run screaming far, far away from the lifestyle, and hide in a hole.
First thought I had: DV can happen in any relationship. So, unless I wanted to hide in a hole in Siberia, I was going to run into the possibility of it in any relationship I would want to have.
Second thought I had: if I don't watch my back, no one else will. If I don't want to end up dead, and I don't, I need to be vigilant of these kinds of things. So, I'm doing good for myself. Yay me. So, I think it's going to be good.
I'll come back and write about the meet tomorrow.

I found the reasons behind Steve

2006-04-27T06:26:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!
I finally realized why I kept going back to the son-of-a-bitch. I used him as a distraction when my life started to suck so bad I couldn't stand it.
And, actually, it's easy to stay away from him know that I know this. I know that I can cope differently, and I don't need him, anymore.
I don't think anyone in my 3D life, or anyone who's read this blog for that matter, is convinced that I mean it, this time.
I'm not even sure if I mean it. But.....I do know that this time is different. I haven't seen him now for about a month and a half to two months.

In other news.....my dear friend, Barb, who I met at a slosh, passed away this last Sunday. She was a good friend. She was the best. She had cancer, but she was so very up-beat and positive about life. She was so sure she was going to beat it. She might have, but she had a heart attack, and that combined wiht chemo that kept making her seriously sick......
I'm going to miss her.
May you have peace, Barb.

am I not pathetic??

2006-02-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

oh yes, i think so.

deep down, i keep waiting for steve to call. every time the phone rings, i get all excited, and i run for the phone. .....i'm not sure what i would d0 if he actually callled.

i want him to tell me that he's moved on blah blah blah, and he can finally be with me. i know it's not true; that's not going to happen.

a friend told me that steve and i keep running into each other b/c i'm not over him, and our energies keep 'calling to each other'. i firmly agree with her. she gave me some ideas to protect myself from his energy. i haven't tried them, yet. i guess i'm not ready.

i need to get over him, again. i need to get over him.

changing the subject....i've been having a lot of dreams lately about being in high school. not actual memories, but being in uniform in an all-girls school. last night's dream....i couldn't quite hear what the teachers were saying. i dream about being in marian's staircases, going to and from class. last night, i was a junior. most of them, i think, i'm a sophomore or freshman.

(in the high school i went to, there was a lot of competition between the classes. if you were a freshman, you learned you were on the bottom of the "totem pole". if you were a senior, you were very proud of it. sophomore year, you couldn't wait to be a junior. junior year, you couldn't wait to be a senior.)

anyway.....it's very weird dreaming about school so much.

I called it quits with Steve

2006-02-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to be optimistic about this time. Deep down, I'm not sure if I can keep my resolve. I'm hoping ::crossing fingers:: that the insight I had the other day will help me leave.

I talked to him tonite, and he was like "oh yeah, she's being all nice and sweet...blah blah blah. I told him I thought it sounded like smoke and mirrors. He said, "what do you mean?" I was like, It sounds like bullshit" He was like "oh no, I don't. I want this to be amiable. The less chaos the better." Huh????

I made the decision, I don't want to wait around forever for the situation to resolve itself. He's not going to get off his duff. Which means that I have to....and go on with my life.

So, I wash my hands of the whole thing. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

email i wrote to Steve today, but didn't send

2006-02-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

i feel insane. i'm just going up and down about us. last night, i was feeling good about you when you were here. now, i'm feeling crazy for staying in contact with you. with letting you come over. ASKING you over. what is wrong with this picture????

i mean, you've hurt me in the past, so why am i giving you another chance? i feel like i've given you several chances just over the past week.

my life gets so chaotic when you're in it. i was just getting comfortable with a relaxed feeling in my life. i want that back. that's one of the reasons i'm so uncertain about us. i had built a life for myself. i had just gotten over you. it took me quite a while, but i did.

and,i know that i don't need you to be happy. and, i don't need you if i'm feeling lonely. i can look elsewhere. do you get that? can you understand? i don't need you. i want you, yes. but, need and want are completely different.
and, you have a habit of wanting what you want, when you want it. what do you need?? IMO, you don't need me at this point in your life. you need to direct your energies elsewhere right now.

you don't need me. i get the impression from you that you think i'm the only woman that you ever could be happy with (that you need). that bothers me. that triggers in me the feeling of sympathy, and the warm feeling that i have for you, and i don't want to hurt you. and, i feel that i can't desert you.

where does that feeling come from????? it's utter bullshit. i've always had that feeling when it comes to you. is it something that you do without knowing it; and then i pick up on it; and so feel like you can't be left?????
wait, i think you project a feeling of helplessness. yeah, i think that's it.
and, i've rid myself some of my own helplessness. i know that i need to help myself, and that i can take care of myself. you don't have that same feeling, i think.
the question now, is can i do what i need to do, and leave you be?? and, not take care of you.

i think that's what has been bothering me.

the conflict, i think, i know that i deserve someone who has their life together, and....doesn't.....need....to...be....rescued.

wowee zowee. i'm having one hell of an epiphany.

all this time we've been trying to rescue each other. and, i thought it was only him that was doing it.

i know now that i don't, can't, rescue anyone but myself. i can only take care of myself, and i deserve someone whom i feel i don't have to take care of.

i may be repeating myself, but i'm having a brain-busting insight. after all, this has been going off and on with Steve for the past seven years.
i hope that the feeling of having to take care of him, which felt like a natural instinct, can fade now--and, i can be strong.

(this insight came to me while re-typing the message i have printed out.)

i have secondary stuff here, and now that i think about it, i think a lot of it is/was triggered because of the feeling of rescuing him. as a kid, i felt that i needed to rescue basically my whole family. i felt weighed down by all that presumed responsibility. (and, i've been yelling at him about responsibility. ::blushes deep red::) i have shed some of that feeling of responsibility about my family. (thinking here) it seems like parts of me need to re-create the past because the absence of those feelings feels weird and wrong.

so, that heavy feeling of responsibility was being re-created with Steve. also the secondary feelings that come with resentment. the two biggest feelings are fear and anger. that kinda makes sense because anger usually covers another emotion. fear and anger were a big part of my childhood, if unconscious. so, unconsciously, i have re-created those feelings. also, i have several (a lot, a ton, a great many), parts of myself that have roots of fear--great fear, and anger/rage. that's where the rage comes from.....::light bulb::.....also the fear of him--a lot of those fears i had/have about my father. also the feelings of rejection that i have, a lot, about Steve. i have deep feelings of rejection about my dad.

i have improved emotionally in other areas of my life. slowly but surely with my family of origin. coming along with other people--the people i'm meeting now, i'm working on it. the only holdover re-creation that hasn't changed is Steve.

hmmmmm, need to process all this a little bit.

i'm so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

i'm really going up and down about Steve, here.

this may seem silly to other people. but, i have a psychic link with my cat, onyx.
last night, Steve was over to my place for a while. i swore i wouldn't let him back into my life for at least a few months. ::angry shrug::
but, i needed help with my vaccuum, and i called him. what does that say about me?

what am i doing?????? AAAAHHHHHH SHIT FUCKER HELL!!!!!!!

but, i trust in onyx's judgement completely. and, he let me know last night that he trusted Steve, and was as affectionate with Steve as he is with me. onyx usually doesn't do that. all i know, he was trying to tell me something.

::lets out a scream of frustration::

Oh God, i am so frustrated and conflicted about this!!!!!
Please give me a sign whether to go with Steve, or not!!

i know that i didn't read onyx wrong. but, i'm sooooo tired of the inner conflict about this.

Steve's out of my life

2006-02-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

Steve and I were together a week.

....I think that's the shortest time we've ever been together....in our extreme "on-again-off-again" relationship.
Is there maybe a clue in that?

Ultimately, I didn't need the shit from his wife, and I knew it, and I had to be strong and kick him out of my life. I would hope that it shows him that I care about my own well-being first, now.

He was as manipulative as ever. He made excuses for EVERYTHING. There was always a reason for everything, and nobody had to take responsibility. He's very much like my father in that respect.

It seemed that he always had sex on his mind. That hadn't changed. He DID take no for an answer. But, it didn't stop him from trying....constantly.

I'm just relieved to get all the chaos out of my life, and I can relax.

It sure makes me appreciate my parents, hearing about his. No matter how mad they are...no matter how mad I am.....their home is open to me in an emergency, if I needed it.

AND.....if all the chaos were not enough.....I've got lice, AGAIN. My mom treated my hair with lice shampoo yesterday, and combed thru it. And, I put mayo in my hair last night. And, I'm not itching now. So, I think I got it. But, I've still got to treat my couch, and do laundry. I vaccuumed last night, and put everything into bags. Yay for me! Last time this happened I didn't want to treat my house. So, I really didn't. But, goddamn if I'm going to shave my head again. I think it's easier now that my hair's really short. But....it just grew out enough that I've got a full head of hair!!! Short hair, but still.

Anyway, right now I'm doing ok.

update about therapist

2006-02-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I've talked to Karen about working on memories and such. She's totally open to it, and wants to start working on them. Turns out I was doing a lot of mind reading about the subject.

Only....she's given me a journaling assignment, and I'm having a hard time starting. I get a huge-ass headache.

I don't want the underlying issues, yet it's hard for me to talk about them. It is like me to blame her for my reluctance. Not that I do it one purpose, but there it is.

Steve's come back into my life

2006-02-01T15:28:00.000-08:00

Ack!!!!!

The last thing I expected was Steve calling me. Just as I had accepted it was over between us.

He called last Thursday and told me that it's over between him and his wife.

There are a lot of chaotic things going on at the moment....having to do with her, and him. She's gone psychotic now that I'm back in his life.
All that's going on is really too stupid and childish to list.

I'm so confused. We've been talking about a D/s relationship. We went to J's last weekend, had a great time, played a bit.
I've had a bit more experience at playing than he has, but not by much. I don't mind exploring with him. Actually, last night, I asked him if we could talk about a collar of consideration. He asked what it was. So, earlier today, I sent him a link for an article about it.
::shy smile:: The next time we're in a public lifestyle setting....a meeting or a party....I want everyone to know that we're together, and I'm not available anymore.
I do have a tendancy to rush into things. But, it's not a permanent collar. Either of us can back out of it.

I wish things were less chaotic. But, he's in a tight spot.....cuz of her. I want to knock her flat for that. But....I won't....because it would just cause more chaos and confusion.

Why does life have to be so complicated????

cathartic weekend

2006-01-17T05:59:00.000-08:00

Whew!

It's been a pretty interesting weekend. I didn't get to play this weekend, but maybe that's for the best. I had a lot of emotional ups and downs. I slept nearly all day, yesterday, and I went to bed early. Woke up early, too! LOL

I had a long talk with J Sunday night. We talked about a lot of things.

Karen (my therapist) and I haven't been talking about a whole lot of things since I left DBT group (DBT is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy). I had been in DBT for the last seven years (most of that time was in another office). Since I had been in group at Karen's office, it.....well, I wanted to pull my hair out. The therapist seemed to have a different theoriratical(sp) approach than the YWCA (which is the previous office). It always seemed like there was some concept, some idea that I just wasn't gettting. You know how it is when someone's talking to you, and you mostly understand what they're saying, but you feel there's some underlying idea that you just DON'T understand?? Or, is it just me???

I could go on and on about this DBT group. And, maybe I will in another post. But, I just don't have time, right now.

Anyway, J was telling me that if the underlying issues aren't dealt with, the problem stays there, and doesn't get any better. I did know that, already.

But, Karen doesn't talk with me about the underlying issues. She told me a while ago that she doesn't believe in memory retrieval, or working on memories (neither did my first DBT therapist). [DBT is a very much in the Now type therapy.] Not much is done with the then.

So...anyway.....I started thinking about finding a new therapist. My pdoc would probably help me....if I say it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm just pissed off with Karen. Which I'm not.

Well, damn.....I see my pdoc this morning, which is kind of a good thing....I don't have to sit with all this for a few days. And, I need to get going.

Oh....about the Dom? I was speaking to the other night. He asked me if I wanted to have an online relationship a few days ago. I asked him if I could think about it, and he said yes. Well, Sunday night he asked again. (And, I thought, hey the guy lives in Spain, maybe, so what could it hurt. If I changed my mind, all I had to do was say no.) So, I said yes, and Immediately he asked if I wanted to cyber. ???? hmmm. When I told him that I didn't want to, he..pretty much..said, go away.
BUT, he did give me something to think about and something to work on. So.....I am glad I got to talk to him.

Oh jeez, I need to get my butt in gear. More later.....

have to make a radical thought pattern shift

2006-01-15T23:46:00.000-08:00

I've been talking on yahoo with a Dom from Spain. Actually, I'm online with Him now. Obviously, his native language isn't english. He didn't understand the word 'flogger' when i was telling him what exp. i've had.

My knee jerk reaction was, "Aha!! You really aren't a Dom. You just want to fuck with my head!"

And, like, 2 seconds later, after i'd said something really snide and snotty, i realized that he probably didn't understand what the word meant....

I apologized for it, and was in danger of over-apologinging, when i realized that i had to deal with my bad feelings for myself. something that i've really never done before. Apologizing profusely is a way of trying to push the bad feelings onto the other person. Something I just now realized.

I'm 30 years old.....doesn't it seem a little old to just now be getting life's lessons??????????!!!!!
blah

anyway, i told him that i was feeling bad for jumping to conclusions, and asked him if he had any ideas about beginning to trust people. and, he said.....start believing people aren't going to hurt you.

which is something you don't do at the snap of a finger......but, i know that it can be accepted and incorporated, with time.

hmmmm, that sounds like a cleverly worded excuse.

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've grown to the point where I can bust myself!!!!!! LOL That is tooooo funny.

ok, i need to go away and process this some.

be back later

musings on abuse and SM

2006-01-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been quite awhile since I last posted. The new year's party was great. I met in person someone that I've been talking to on yahoo for months, JA. We scened quite a bit the two days following the party. We didn't have sex, though. He figured it would be uncomfortable for me.....okay, I have nothing to be ashamed about.....I was too tight. And, I appreciated that consideration very much.

I found out last night he already has a sub. I was kind of depressed....well okay, I was really depressed. Will I ever find someone to love? Is there someone out there for me?

The partners I've had lately have been casual. Sure, it gives me more experience, but I want something permanent. True, I could look in the vanilla world just as easily as the SM world. But....the thought of no kink for the rest of my life is really depressing.

I just have no clue what I want. I'm starting to believe that I'm worthy of a good, decent, non-abusive relationship. But, abusive relationships are.....not easier, but more convenient....to get into. I mean abusive people don't really care WHO you are, so they're willing to accept a relationship from anyone.

I DO want to be cared about, and needed for who I am.

I met a Dom I've been talking to via collarme, C, at the L2EP meeting yesterday. He asked me, last week I think, what is the best quality I liked about myself. Or something. I can't really remember his exact words. And, I don't really remember the answer I gave him..... But, I do know that I felt the most positive about myself, in my whole life I guess. He responded that he felt I was a very positive person, or something like that. I wanted to say, you should have met me a few years ago, you wouldn't have thought so then.

I posted about my conflicting feelings regarding bdsm on Wings of Fire today. Maybe I'll copy and paste it here later.
But, I have been feeling very conflicted and uncertain to what it is I truly want. ::sigh::

As a side note, I wanted to get my kitchen clean today, or rather this weekend. So, I didn't spend the night at J and b, although I did go to the slosh with them last night. And, I usually spend the night. But, I knew that if I did, I wouldn't get my kitchen clean. So, I told myself that if I got the kitchen clean, my reward would be to go over there tonite and play. So, Yay for me!!

The management of my complex is going to be doing inspections this next week. My kitchen, the way it was, would've gotten me an automatic eviction notice, definitely, no doubt. Why do I have such a hard time cleaning????????????? dammit
Anyway, now it's clean, and the dirty dishes that I have left are stacked neatly.
The rest of the apt. is heavily cluttered, but nothing like my kitchen was. So, I feel much safer in leaving it the way it is.
Hopefully, the cat won't poop on the rug while I'm gone.
So, that's my latest news.....

play party tomorrow....yay!

2005-12-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

welllll, tomorrow night is J and b's new year's eve play party. i'm really looking foward to it.

i haven't posted for awhile. xmas is finallllly done and over with. it was ok. spent it with my parents. it was stressing me out cuz we pretend we're a happy family, but there's a lot of tension, really. new year's is actually easier for me cuz i usually don't spend it with my parents. and, this year i have a party to go to.

ugh...the week is almost over

2005-12-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

blah

well, i got my "female" appt. over with. blech my back is still feeling awesome! they gave me an epidural to my back at the pain management clinic. did i already mention that?? oh well.

had a good PT appt. i had appts. coming out of my ears today. and, i have two more tomorrow.

somebody please get santa off of his ass PLEASE!!!!!

i was bored last night

2005-12-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

obviously I was up late/early, and mega-bored. I wish wish wish xmas hurries up. The week is going sooooo slow. blech

i guess it was also that i posted about some heavy shit last night, too. I was doing brainless things to forget about it.

buffy quizzes.....me be a buffy geek

2005-12-21T04:30:00.000-08:00

ULTIMATE BUFFY FAN!!
Congratulations! You scored 98!
You know your stuff!! Your amazing. im glad to know there is more of you hardcore fans out there! buffy rules!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 45% on buffypoints

[I better be an ultimate fan!!! It's only my very fave show of all time!!]

--------------------------------------------------------------

A True Scooby
Congratulations! You scored 95!
You know what, you could definitely be a part of the Scooby Gang! You know your Buffy trivia and you have earned this title. In order to be a True Scooby you couldn't have gotten a perfect score, but you are on your way! Make sure to get as many Seasons as you can on DVD and keep up the Buffy fanaticism. BtVS Love Forever.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 44% on BtVS Points
----------------------------------------------------

Buffy
Congratulations! You dusted 26 vamps!
"All right... yes, date, and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!"

You have the slayin' down! Congratulations on an excellent score... but keep in mind these people are not real and there is a life outside the Buffyverse. Be satisfied with your Buffy knowledge. It's time to explore something new like Firefly (Don't worry. It's toally Joss-friendly).

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 82% on vamps dusted

[What!!!!! They're not real??????????? The hell you say!!!!!!!!!]
[ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!]
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Willow-ish
You scored 185 points out of 238!
You're smart, you watched the musical, you paid attention, perhaps you even listened to the music afterwards. However, if you're truly a fan you need to study more.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 22% on buffylovin

[Oh, fuck you, too!]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow!
You scored 90% on Buffy Quotiness!
"I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone!" You are a dedicated Buffy fan, no doubt there. Way to go! (Now I know I'm not the only one quoting Buffy at least four to five times a day.)

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 66% on Buffy Quotiness

--------------------------------------------------------------

Fangtastic! You scored 84!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 40% on Joss Points

---------------------------------------------------------------------

wolfman/witch
Here you are- 96%!
You love Buffy- You don't deny it, you revel in it. There should be more people like you. Now go back to listening to the soundtrack from "Once more, with feeling". But because you didn't get 100% you only get a half smile from Buffy.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 25% on orbs

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm such a Buffy nerd....LOL

Golden Girls test~~my fave sitcom at one time

2005-12-21T03:29:00.000-08:00

Sophia
You scored 65 cheesecake points!

"You want poetry? Talk to Neil Diamond. For advice you come to me." (Sophia quote, I think) ~~ The actual quote is "You want poetry, talk to Neil Diamond. You want good advice, you talk to your mother" ~~ok, it's official, I'm a geek. LOL
You have the wit and experience to get you through a lot, but experiences can get jumbled around and mixed up, hence a little confusion now and then. Just make sure your shoes match each other when you leave the house.

commonly misused/confused words

2005-12-21T03:09:00.000-08:00

Advanced
You scored 85% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 86% Advanced, and 73% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 5% on Beginner

You scored higher than 32% on Intermediate

You scored higher than 16% on Advanced

You scored higher than 32% on Expert

address for test: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=14457200288064322170

seven deadly sins ....not that i believe in sin LOL

2005-12-21T02:33:00.000-08:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

not much in the way of bdsm activities lately

2005-12-20T23:48:00.000-08:00

when i first scened with J and b, i thought there would be playing all the time... well, i found out NOT. hehehe J and b are having a new year's eve play party. so, looking foward to that. ;) i wasn't able to play at the last party T/they had, cuz it was that time of the month.

J expects his, and other submissives/slaves to be naked if they want to participate.
......eeeeesh.......
the first time i scened with J, at the first party about 2 months ago, i asked Him for a private scene, because i didn't want everyone at the party and their dogs to see me naked.. He was totally cool with that, and respected that wish.
i can't be shy forever.....
J and G have both said that i have nothing to be ashamed of with my body.
it's not the being naked-while-scening in front of everyone; it's the being naked while-waiting my-turn that gives me the heeby-jeebies.

people seem so comfy with it. and, the last party...? ::drooling:: there was a guy who was exactly my type physically, and he got naked. ooo mama. he was with his Mistress, so I was trying to keep my eyes in my head, and my tongue off the floor. LOL
i checked with Her the next morning, and She said i hadn't been rude.

anyhoo....
so, i'm nervous about being naked in front of a whole bunch of people.
i suppose it's a safety thing. like, you never know what people are going to do. and, if you trust people, when are they going to betray you?

i havc felt betrayed by every group of people that i have ever hung out with. hmmm....except for the OM people (OM is my shorthand for a place downtown, where i hung out with a group of people). and, now that i think about it, the OM is the first place i knew people who practiced bdsm.

when i was in high school, one of my favorite things to do was to go down to the OM on sundays and watch the "freaks" come out. yes, i did think of them as freaks. and, i thought they were cool because that's how i thought of myself.
so, after i dropped out of college, and living with my parents, and fighting and hating my parents~~
the OM people were really clannish, you didn't get accepted by them easily.
one night i was down in the OM with a friend. i don't remember a whole lot of went down; but my friend knew one of the girls that was high up in the ranks of the OM people. i said hi to a few people, and it's like they embraced me from that moment.

the OM people....ROFL....i know it's kind of silly.

the OM people were street people. so, i started hanging out with them heavily. i guess even though i had a house to go to, i was pretty much on the street. my parents and i were at each other's throat constantly. gee, i wonder why? lol

the OM people were also a drug crowd. soooo, i spent a great deal of time getting drunk or stoned or high on meth.

i was low on cash most of the time. everyone was, i suppose, except for the dealers. so, i bought drugs the only way i knew how....giving my body. is that technically prostitution?

so, it's safe to say that, during this time, my self-esteem had been flushed down the toilet and was in the sewer. also, i was loaded most of the time.

i've forgotten what the hell my point was.....
oh well, i've needed to get that out for a long time. there's other stuff there too, but i needed to scratch the surface, anyway.

i'm caught up

2005-12-20T22:45:00.000-08:00

i'm caught up with my laundry. Yay!!! I got an idea from a housecleaning site:
instead of going thru your closet all at once~~throw the clothes you've worn into a basket/box/whatever, and when you come across something in your closet that doesn't fit, put it in a donate pile. and you can't touch the clothes you've worn. kind of clean your closet as you go.
(i do want to keep two articles of clothing~~my camel shirt; and a sweater that i love~i have no idea why i'm so attached to it, it's just really cool.)

pain management

2005-12-20T20:55:00.000-08:00

Today I went to a pain management clinic. I think the doc found what was wrong!!!! Something having to do with where my back meets my hips. I don't know exactly what; he used some medical term.

He gave me an injection, of what I'm not sure. I didn't ask cuz my back was hurtin, and I figured he knew what he was doing. ::shrug:: So, he gives me a needleful of something in my back....right where the pain was coming from!!

mailto:$&%&&^*%%$#@$%#^%^&&^*!!!! *why'd that show up as a link?* ::hrmmmm it brought up Outlook Express:: Things to make you go hmmmm.
I wonder if I sent an email, it would actually be sent to someone???? hehehe
What I meant though was swearing so horrible it could only be expressed with symbols. ROFL

Talk about pain. It was unbearable for only a second or two. That was the good part. You only wanted to kill him for a second or two, too. LOL

I think this PT is going to work out

2005-12-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

Yay!!!!

On the drive over, I tried to keep my expectations down. On their intake form they had 50 or so words listed that depicted different degrees of pain/and also fear. That was really cool, I thought.
What else was cool, she gave me exercises that I could do, and were not painful, I mean, yeah, they're painful in that my oh-so-out-of-shape body really feels the stretch. But, they don't trigger the agonizing pain in my lower back that has been making me miserable. Double Yay!!!!!!!

I think this PT is really going to help. Finally. blech
I think I've already mentioned that I'm so tired of being in pain.

I did some cleaning up today at the mental health rehab center (more on that later), and as I was finishing, I thought my knees were going to give out because the pain was so bad. I stayed upright only by force of will (i.e. gritting my teeth and hanging in).

I'm so frickin mad....

2005-12-19T15:50:00.000-08:00

I got home a short while ago, and I decided to do some beadwork. I had laid out the design, and was stringing beads when the phone rang. Well, I knocked the bead tray with my hand....all the beads went flying..... I literally screamed with frustration. Maybe I need to eat something.
I'm gonna take a break for awhile.

Oh, and I witnessed a 'Bill Engvall, Here's your sign' moment. My new social worker, lisa, was the one who called me. She said, I need to call you back, are you at home? ::cross-eyed look:: Uhhhhh........yeeeeah, obviously..... ROFL

So, a bit of funny in the midst of my annoyance.

and, i'm up early

2005-12-19T06:11:00.000-08:00

i did go to bed at 12:40 er..this morning. i think i woke up early to avoid getting the crap scared out of me by my alarm. blah
i've given myself until 6:30 to just hang out on the computer, wake up a little, and smoke a cigarette.

i'm so hoping that this PT will be helpful.

insomnia's such a bitch

2005-12-19T00:07:00.000-08:00

i have to get up early.....in about six hours. and, i just now took my meds, and i've been drinking soda all day. blah i really wish xmas could be over and done with. i get so restless and sleepless right before my birthday and holidays.

so, i'm off to my beddy-by. blech

i have to think good things will happen at the PT's.

and, i'm still up....go to bed, damnit!!!!! hehehe (12:34 am)

I've noticed something....

2005-12-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

when i'm having a tough time emotionally, when the thoughts really get to racing, or if i'm really restless and don't know why.

......I don't post when i'm having a hard time.
when it's probably a good time to post. i have to work on that.

and, i started taking the pill today. Yay.

appts. for the next week

2005-12-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

Monday 19
physical therapist~~9:00 AM done
chiro~~2:00 pm done

Tuesday 20
pain management clinic~~1:00 pm done

Wednesday 21
pdoc~~11:00 AM
chiro~~3 pm

Thursday 22
gyn appt.~~9:00 AM (ewwwww, let me count the ways I'm so not looking foward to this)
PT~~12:15 pm
therapy~~2:00 pm (hey, at least I have therapy the same day)

Friday 23
chiro~~10:00 AM
-------------------------------------------------------
appts. every day of the week.....blah At least I'll be busy....lol
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
appts. for after xmas

Wednesday 28
chiro~~3:20 pm (hour-long appt.)

DID/MPD Ribbon

2005-12-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

(I can't remember where I got this image.)

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder~DID(formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder~MPD).
::big, deep breath::
Last night, I put an abuse survivor ribbon in an entry. This is going one step further than that.

One of the famous accounts of DID is of course Sybil.
I would say, probably, most people who have DID are NOT like Sybil. I know I'm not.
DID is a creative coping mechanism for children who are severely tramautized.
The reason for the new name is because dissociation is how the "condition" is formed.
There are people in the online DID community who think that DID is a natural condition, there are those who don't consider it a disorder.
The point being that there various theories.

I'm not criticizing anyone or anyone's reality. It's not my place to judge; I'm not them, and I don't know what their reality is.

Anyway.....I think I got off my original point.....lol
Dissociation is something everyone does. Dissociation is on a contiuum...from "normal" (daydreaming, highway hypnosis), to PTSD, somewhere in the middle, to DID on the extreme other end.

I still don't understand how the "personalities" are formed (I've looked for that answer and haven't found it, maybe it's not known). But, children use dissociation (unconsciouly), to zone out/"go away" in their head. And, so the trauma doesn't hurt so much.
The reason behind the "personalities" is so the original child/or sometimes another "personality" can function with no knowledge of the abuse/or trauma. The younger the child is, the more it's possible that they will develop DID/also how intelligent the child is; children who develop DID have above average intelligence (I've heard of different ages in my research, but I'll say, when the abuse occurs before 12 years old.) I guess that makes sense, because teenagers have their personalities formed, and that's why the teenage years are so tough.

I've been " " the word personality because their not actually different 'people'; they're split off aspects of the original child's personality. They (somehow) develop their own way of dealing/functioning in the world.

Children naturally dissociate new experiences into their subconscious/or unconscious, and when they can deal with/understand the experience, it's integrated back into their conscious mind.
Okay, say the original child's name is Jane. The first time Jane is abused~~she dissociates to escape the overwhelming feelings and maybe pain. This memory?/feelings/pain are held in the subconscious, and they stay there because the child cannot understand it. If she is abused regularily, there are lots of split off memories/feelings/pain. Sometimes, different pieces coalesce into one personality. Sometimes, they stay separate personalities. The personalities that are formed from many pieces are "stronger"/have more influence than the personalities that stay separate. Usually, the separate personalities are more buried in the unconscious.

This has been my opinion only; from my personal experience and research I've done.

affirmation for Sunday 12/18

2005-12-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Damn, the range of text colors is really getting on my nerves. And, I don't know HTML.

Anyways:

"I have the strength to admit my need for healing support"

Strength? I have the strength to do anything that needs to be done. I know I have strength. My issue is being willing to do things.
And, 'admit'? Acceptance and being able to admit are different than asking for something.

So, the revised version:

"I have the willingness to ask for healing support."

this version leaves out needing things. ::gasp:: coincidence? Not!
Yes, I have problems with having needs. Having needs means that I'm important. God forbid that I'm important.
But, wait....I am important. I've been waiting for my family of origin to say that I'm separate from them and that I am important. Which is NOT going to happen. I have to work on accepting that.
I can be around them, and, in my head at least, be important to ME.
Wow....insight knocking me over with a feather.
I don't have to be important to them. I can be important to myself, and to hell with what they think of me.

I AM AN IMPORTANT HUMAN BEING, AND I DO MEAN SOMETHING AND AM WORTH A LOT TO ME. (and friends and family of choice)

cleaning for Monday 12/19

2005-12-18T13:58:00.000-08:00

I have a load of laundry in the washer now. I think that it might be the only thing I'll be able to do. I woke up hurting so bad. Ugh! I hate waking up in pain. It sucks the big one.

Well, the chores for tomorrow.....and maybe later today if I feel up to it:

1. wash the dishes

2. pickup and vacuum hallway

3. pickup bedroom

4. vaccum bedroom

5. put a load of laundry in the washer

6. put my linen closet back together

holiday blues

2005-12-18T02:33:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling really overwhelmed with all the xmas stuff going on.

xmas used to be a big thing in my family of origin. my mom still makes it a big deal, and it's a lot like when we were kids. same stockings, presents from 'santa'...though we thank our parents for them now, until a few years ago--a tree cut from a tree farm, same ornaments, same dinner on xmas eve. And, it's all great. Except we're all hypocrites. I hate it that we're all hypocrites....yet, the illusion of a happy family holiday must be maintained. I feel a certain strain during the rest of the year....doubly so beginning in october.

it's so hard living every day with the knowledge of what my father did to me.
it's so hard to even think of him as 'family'. what kind of a father sexually abuses his daughter????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how does he live with himself??????
how do I live with me?????????

::running around in circles screaming, gibbering, and drooling::

red flags Part 3

2005-12-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

I guess I should have taken it as a warning that I was instantly attracted to G. ::grim smile:: I don't know, I guess since he was older, I thought it would be ok. ::wry grin::

I have noticed that when I'm instantly attracted to somebody, they invaribly are arrogant, smug, domineering, whatever. And, I tell myself no.

I guess navigating the bdsm lifestyle is like the vanilla world in that there's still a learning curve, and mistakes are made, and hopefully, learned from.

blah. Life sucks. hehehehe And then you die. Life's a bitch.

Abuse Survivor Ribbon

2005-12-17T23:51:00.000-08:00

the address to get this ribbon:

http://www.wingsoffiresurvivors.com/home.htm

cleaning for Sunday 12/18

2005-12-17T14:12:00.000-08:00

And, yay for me for starting again. I was afraid that I'd start, and then stop, and not start again. So.....yay.

I got a load of laundry done, and cleaned off the computer cart this afternoon.

It's so weird being Christmas time again.

What I want to get done:

1. wash the dishes

2. pickup and vacuum hallway

3. vaccum bedroom

4. put a load of laundry in the washer done

EXTRA: fixed the latch on the screen door

EXTRA: cleaned out my linen closet

a bit over my 'whelm' limit right now....

2005-12-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

I just don't want to write anything right now. god, i hate doctor's appts. i just hate them.

affirmation for Tuesday 12/13

2005-12-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

"My family of origin brought me into life. Now, as an adult, I alone am responsible for how I choose to live it out."

And, that sucks. It's true that, at least in my head, that I have a ton of anger at my father. And, I won't be able to move on until I let go of it.

Then again, I can do whatever I want to, because I am an adult now, and am capable of making my own choices. I CAN make my own decisions and choices.

hmmm....guess I'll have to think about this one for a bit.

red flags cont'd

2005-12-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

if i had only listened to my gut with david. i remember a couple of times when an alarm went off in my head. i clearly remember him saying he was a knife nut, and my head screamed, danger, hello!!! but, he was soooo fine, i wanted to ignore my instinct because i was afraid of never being with a man as cute.

david came after steve, so alarm bells went off easier with him. with steve....i don't know. steve i wasn't physically attracted to. he was so charming. if only i'd had more experience with relationships, i'd have seen the 'too charming to be real' thing. i also saw his arrogance, but at that point i didn't see it. it was like, i thought that was normal. i also saw our constant conflict as normal. i was still addicted to chaos.

i suppose, in a way, parts of me still are. addicted to chaos, i mean. otherwise, i wouldn't have an unhealthy obssession with him. i just have more control of those parts. and, i limit the amount of chaos in my life. but, steve..... maybe it's because, in his way, he was soooo much like my father. and, i can't sever the link i have with my father. i'm not saying that about steve, though, not not not what i mean. i just mean, i have trouble letting go of the issues with my father, because he's my father. and, in a lot of ways, i thought of steve as a father-figure.

i mean, i can't stop mentioning steve. in this journal, and in real life.

FUCK YOU STEVE!!! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, GET OUT, AND DON'T LET THE DOOR SMACK YOU IN THE ASS!!!! FUCK OFF!!! YOU DON'T MEAN SHIT!!!!! YOU ARE WORTHLESS!!!!! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIG, AND I HOPE YOU DIE!!!! DIE A LONG, SLOW DEATH BY SPIDER BITES!!!!!

ROFLMAO......it feels good to get so pissed off, and then totally make fun of myself. maybe it's cuz the anger is so useless. he's not even worth spitting on. i mean, come on, be pissed, and then get over it. get over yourself. i have a fresh start. i can do and be whoever i want to be. so what if he's an ass. ::grin:: he's not my ass, anymore. rofl

I IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

red flags

2005-12-12T17:07:00.000-08:00

a part of me doesn't want to make this post. i hate waiting. i hate being patient. i just hate it.

but, at the party on Saturday night, i got red flags from G. it was real subtle, i noticed it because of .....ta da...... experience. oh wow. actually learning from experience....it's a new thing for me.

a few weeks ago, somebody said that G talked a lot. it got my radar up, i guess. i suppose i was more sensitive because of that information.

there's this other guy, r. i don't like him, in my eyes, he's abusive. but, he already has a sub, and if that floats her boat, hey, it's not my business. r likes to talk about military stories. david did the same thing, trying to prove how much of a badass he was. well, at the party, G and r were trying to 'out-story' each other. i could tell that that's what they were doing. sooooo......no. G is not the right person for me.

it may seem like a small thing.... but, in the beginning, it's always small things. later on, they get bigger. later on, y0u kick yourself for even being in the relationship. i can see how it's better to get out before even going there. *sigh*

i suppose this isn't the very first red flag. not that it's my business, really, but he is/was having relationship issues. i suppose that was a big red flag, there. but, i decided to reserve judgement until i saw how he handled it.

but, luckily, i don't have to even do that. :) Yay!!

another big one was that he wanted to have sex the first night we played. but, i said no!!! big Yay!! i might have let him, but the last time i let my hormones get ahead of my head kept blaring at me with neon and an air horn. LMAO that image is pretty funny.

I FEEL PROUD OF MYSELF FOR GROWING AND LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES!!!!!!!

so, i'm still single, and still learning and growing, and looking for my One.

affirmation for Monday 12/12

2005-12-12T10:46:00.001-08:00

"Heal my resentments so that I may let go of the self abuse."

Well, I can think of two resentments off the top of my head: steve and my father.
I resent steve for a whole lot of things. hehehe the way he treated me; the way he argued all the time; his sexual abuse of me....I don't know, maybe the whole relationship. The way self abuse manifests itself: I keep going over there, and I feel worse about myself, yet I keep going.
My resentments toward my dad: pretty much the same as with steve. his sexual abuse of me, definitely. the way he won't talk to me. the way I self abuse: probably the way I keep hoping for things to change. .......come to think of it, that goes for steve, too.

physical therapy appt.

2005-12-12T10:45:00.000-08:00

Physical therapy appt. on Dec. 19 at 9:00 am

cleaning for Tuesday 12/13

2005-12-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

What I want to get done:

1. wash the dishes

2. pickup and vacuum hallway

3. vaccum bedroom

4. clean off computer cart done on 12/17

5. put a load of laundry in the washer

6. chiro appt @ 11:30 am done

7. doc. appt @ 2:15 pm done

not going to get much done today, I think

2005-12-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

blah, I'm still sore. I don't really have the energy to do much today. I've got laundry in the washer...Yay. So, I have accomplished something. I also have made phone calls.

Have I said already that I'm tired of being in pain????????? Well, I'll say it again!!! hehehe

cleaning for Monday 12/12

2005-12-11T17:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I got home 20 minutes ago, so obviously I haven't done anything. My body hurts too much to do anything, now. I could use a day off. I wasn't able to do an affirmation today, either. Oh, and it looks like G is a bust. Oh well. hehehe

What I want to get done:

1. wash the dishes

2. pickup and vacuum hallway

3. vaccum bedroom

4. clean off computer cart

5. put a load of laundry in the washer done YAY!!!!! GO ME, GO ME!!!

6. call doctor done--appt. tomorrow at 2:15 pm

7. call physical therapist done--appt. Dec. 19 at 9:00 am

8. go to chiro at 11 am skipped--rescheduled for tomorrow at 11:30 am

time zones are weird

2005-12-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

The time posts are logged is actually 2 hours behind my time.

duuurrrrr!!!!! I figured out how to log the right time. of course, that doesn't help with all the previous posts. (12/18/05)

back pain....

2005-12-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

Why does my back have to hurt so much????????????????

I'm so tired of being in pain. !!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrr
I have started going back to my chiro (chiropractor). When I was there yesterday, I was literally in tears. She was cheerful and bouncy, and kept saying I was going to be all right. ......I wanted to beat her over the head. rofl
*sigh*
I'm going to a xmas party at J's tonite. I hope G will be there. But, if not, maybe I'll meet somebody else to have fun with. *wink*
I'm in full goth mode tonite. lol
I'm going to have fun. And, to hell with my back. damnit

what I want to get done Sunday 12/11

2005-12-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

What I want to get done:

1. wash the dishes

2. pickup and vacuum hallway

3. vaccum bedroom

4. clean off computer cart

5. put a load of laundry in the washer

today's affirmation

2005-12-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

"I deserve healthy relationships"

Last night I went over to K and L's. I had a good time. K gave me some really helpful advice about steve and krissy. I need to work on not caring what they think of me. I'm sort of there, but not all the way.
I think K and L are good for me. I also think that J and b are really good for me.
I've been so afraid of people because I don't want to get into another unhealthy relationship. I guess that's a risk when getting to know people. And, not just for me--it goes for everyone.
heh. When I went to see my pdoc (psychiatrist), I told her I made new friends...and she said, "Just be careful. You have a history of making bad choices about people." No shit, Sherlock!! hehehe I told her, "Thanks for bringing that up. I only think about that ALL the time!" I really didn't take offense...well, ok, yeah I did. lol But, I know she said it because she cares.
I told my T (therapist) about my new friends. She asked me where I met them. I told her I met them at a social gathering of bdsm people. She asked me what bdsm stands for. !!! Um, ok... hehe I told her it stood for S & M. She said, the bd doesn't stand for anything? I thought, bondage and discipline...she'd probably freak at that. So, I said, no they don't stand for anything. ::innocent look:: hehehe She said, So they're into that...? I said, yes, they're into it, but they don't force me to do anything. And, I thought, I ask them too! hehehe
I'm kind of rambling from one thought to another. I don't know if, deep down, I really believe I deserve healthy relationships. I still want to have a confrontation with steve. Even though I know it wouldn't do any good, and would really make things a lot worse. So, why do I want to? Why do I care what steve, and krissy, think? I mean, steve made me feel like a slutbag whore. And, J and b, and the people I've met through them celebrate my sexuality, and it's not a bad thing. So, why do still care about steve?
I thought last night, that it's like the way I feel about my father. I really want to tell my father that I'm not a toy for him to play with. I'm a human being, AND YOU DIDN'T TREAT ME LIKE ONE!! YOU ARE A BASTARD SLIME SUCKING COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE CUNTHAIR!!!!
I'm not all the way awake, yet. I'm hurting this morning. My body is sore. My left hand is asleep, it won't wake up. It's making typing interesting.
I can clean out the hamper before my shower...but I'm not sure if I want to do dishes today. blech

what I want to get done Saturday 12/10

2005-12-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

Yay, I left this site up when I left.

What I want to get done:

1. put away the stuff in the laundry hamper done

2. clean off stove (technically done--I wrote clean off the stove--I still have dishes) (my back is hurting too much right now to do the dishes)

(12/10) put a load of laundry in the washer done
-------------------------
Blah, I hurt soooo much right now. My body is so stiff and sore. I'm gonna eat, then take a painkiller and crash

affirmation-a-day keeps the blues away?

2005-12-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have a ton of affirmations from Two Rivers. Maybe I can pick one every morning, and journal my thoughts about it. Sounds good to me.

"Be my clarity in times of confusion."
I think I didn't want to make any references to a higher power when I wrote them out. So, I ended up with ambiguous statements like this one. AA people say make your HP a light bulb if you have to. I need something outside of myself to believe in, anyway.

Having my car broken into is a big factor in how I see a hp, now.
Let's see; (my interpretations--NOT facts)
1. it doesn't matter how good you try to be...life will send you bad things, regardless.
2. life doesn't care how much you've changed or how much you wanna turn your life around.
3. there are always going to be evil people in the world, might as well get used to it.
4. don't have faith in people because they will let you down, everytime.
5. don't bother changing or try to have a better life since life will smack you down, anyway.

hmmm, can't think of anything else....I think that's enough, anyway. lol

what I want to get done tomorrow--Friday 12/9

2005-12-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

A. what I definitely want to get done:

1. put a load of laundry in the washer done

2. clean up laundry mess at the foot of the bed done

B. what would be nice to get done:

1. put away the stuff in the laundry hamper

2. clean off stove

EXTRA: put away a basketful of clean laundry done

pregnancy scare

2005-12-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a week since I last posted.
I was expecting my period to start last week....and when it didn't, I really freaked out. It started this week, so I'm not pregnant.
I'm so glad it was just a false alarm. I've had very serious thoughts this last week. The main one being that I can barely take care of myself, how the hell would I take care of someone else???? *sigh* I also knew that I would carry this one to term....if I was pregnant. I wasn't going to have another abortion on my conscious. But, you know, I also saw how having the abortion was a way to not be responsible. I tell people that I wasn't able to take care of myself at the time. But, you know, I could have taken care of myself if I had wanted to. I saw, this week, that I'd just have to deal with all the uncomfortableness if I was pregnant. I would deal because I had no other choice. I saw abortion as one of my options, then. But, now.....I don't want to do that again.
I wasn't allowed to be a kid when I was a kid. Now, I have to be an adult, and I can only run screaming from responsibility. Blech. I want to be a kid...damnit.

It took a wake-up call from HW, and his death this week, to really see how self-indulgent I've been the last year. He asked a friend of his to post his final writings. God, he was such a beautiful person.
It made me realize how much I've been missing. In life, in love, and so much more.
I'm going to work on getting my place cleaned up, first. That way, I'll be comfortable with having company. Cuz right now....uh, no.
It's going to take, well, I don't know how long it will take. I'm starting small, real small. I've been having so much pain in my back, lately.
And, then, last night when I started cleaning after reading what HW wrote.....
I picked up my bedroom floor for about ten minutes, then I had to go throw up. literally. So, there's a lot of fear there about cleaning. I was even afraid to clean today, cuz I didn't want to get sick again. But, I did, and I didn't get sick. So, I just have to take this slow.

On that note, I have laundry to put away. *grin*

kind of in a bad mood

2005-11-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

i don't want to work on myself. i don't want to search my feelings. i want to feel sorry for myself. i didn't realize that amongst all this happy-finding-yourself, you could still have a bad day. well, i'm having a bad day. i want to whine. i want to complain. i want to just plop on the couch, arms crossed, and pout. god, i feel like such a loser. i can't take care of my apt. well, i can....i just can't do it fast. i can't clean like my mother can. i hate her for all the trauma of cleaning as a kid. is that a cop-out?? well, i don't care right now.

why do i have to have her expectations for cleaning???? when i do clean, i hear her in my head, saying it has to be perfectly clean. and, if it isn't perfect, then i'll get in trouble. as a kid, mom told us how it had to be, and if it wasn't that, dad started yelling. so, i hear both of them in my head. and, i feel bad because it isn't up to her standard.

i feel bad.
i feel bad.
i feel bad.
etc., etc.

i feel bad overall. i can't do anything right. i suck. i suck big time. i'm such a loser.

why can't i stop all of these negative tapes??????????????????????

ok, let me make these negatives into positives..... altho, i still don't believe the positives. all they feel like is words, and words don't mean anything.

i'm not a bad person. you're doing the best you can. yes, i can do things right. you brought your mail in to lisa today, because it's something you agreed to do. you sat there and took their criticism, and didn't make excuses for yourself. hey, you went to the appointment, and that's huge.

you're ok. you just need to make a few adjustments. b had the excellent idea of making lists for the things you need to do.
decide what chores you want to do from the chart, and make a list for that day. take it a day at a time. slow down, stop thinking in terms of the future. stop thinking about how horrid people will think you are, and just do it. for you. nobody else.

feeling a little better.
feeling better.
feeling better.

bas second chapter--second question

2005-11-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

write your reflections on the questions found at the beginning of this chapter:

how do i have to change to be what i want to become?
i will have to be more submissive. i will have to be willing to put my whole being into someone else's hands. i will have to work on my issues of trust. i will have to put someone else's will before my own. I WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP CONTROL. i will have to accept that someone else has control over my life. i have to be more of a risk-taker.

how will you be different when you are a slave?
i will be less of a smart ass. i will be deferring to someone else. i will have to be willing to risk, and try new things. i will have to submit to someone else's will. i will believe that someone else knows what is best for me.

what actions and decisions will, in fact, transform you from who you are now to what you seek to become?
i need to practice being more submissive. i have to be willing to ask Doms what They want, and fulfill those wants. first, i suppose, i need to know what Doms are safe to defer to. i need to explore and expand my knowledge of bdsm activities.
i need to be more willing to have self-discipline. (11/30/05)

bas second chapter--first question

2005-11-29T12:44:00.000-08:00

using your journal, write a thousand, or more, word essay describing your future life as a slave. What do you do? Where do you live? what do you say? what is required of you? how does it feel? let your imagination go wild. make sure you save what you have written for later.

there once was a slave named maggie. she loved it when her Master called her 'pet'. she lived with her Master in a house with a big back yard. she and her Master had two dogs and her cat, onyx. she devoted herself to her Master, and made sure of His comfort. she spent her days designing and making jewelry. she worked out of their house. she sold her jewelry at craft shows and rennassaince faires. when her Master was home, she obediantly sat at His feet. she had a bad back, and did housework as her back allowed. she loved to cook, having learned as a young child. she made special meals for her Master. she did her best to put romance into their relationship. she loved to burn candles and use incense. her house smelled good. she would burn candles and take long baths with her Master. she burnt candles and made love with her Master for as long as He wished. she loved being flogged and spanked by Her Master. she enjoyed wax play. she also enjoyed anything her Master wished to try. she did her best to make Him happy, in and out of the bedroom. she was proud to wear her collar at home, and any special jewelry out in public. she adored being on a leash, and did not mind being on a leash in public. she enjoyed the use of the furniture at home. she would wear sexy negligee at home, as she did not like being naked all the time. she got much satisfaction at the hands of her Master. at night, she would curl up with a book, and sighed with contentment if her Master joined her. she did not watch television much, as she thought current television shows were pretty much stupid. she enjoyed watching movies, and especially her dvd's of buffy the vampire slayer. she also enjoyed reruns of csi and law and order. she enjoyed wearing her cuffs and collar at night, and climaxing as her Master wished. she loved making love with her Master for long, sensuous hours. she loved being bathed in a sheen of sweat, her breasts glistening as her Master ordered her to come.

word count: 370
guess i'm going to have to work on this one.....

i've met someone!

2005-11-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

sunday night was absolutely fabulous!! lol
my fingers are a bit stiff today. my whole body is stiff today.... lol

i went to J and b's last weekend. we all went to a slosh in lincoln sunday night. T/their friend G showed up at the last minute, and came with U/us. i had seen Him on three previous occasions. He was at two sloshes i've been to here in town. and i saw Him at J and b's party. i have to admit, i was attracted to Him the first time i saw Him.

on the way down to lincoln, i wanted to make a good impression. so, i made a real effort not to do my habitual fidgeting. it was easier than i thought it would be. all the journaling i did over the weekend helped a lot.

anyway, the slosh was real fun. i played a game of pool, and i talked to people, as well. i felt like i was part of the group, and it was nice.

on the way back, G said He was attracted to me, and that He had been restraining Himself from making a move. i told Him i appreciated that a lot. and, i really meant it. it felt good that He cared enough to make a good impression. and, it felt good to know that He did have self-restraint.
anyway, we played in the car. then, we went back to the house, and played there for a few hours. it was so nice. and, extremely satisfying. i even had a flashback, and he was soooo extremely cool about it. He said He was with someone for a long time who had flashbacks. so He's experienced with dealing with that issue. He held me and let me cry. then W/we started again, and i was grounded in the present, and stayed grounded. so, i found out i could feel pleasure, have a flashback, cry about it, then feel pleasure again in spite of the pain of the past.
He's having personal issues, so i am trying to play this one by ear. i do hope that it works out. i've been having fantasies of being spanked and flogged by Him. oooo, delicious fantasies.

i'm crossing my fingers that it will work.
well, kitty's dying for attention, so i will end for now.

"take home" assignments

2005-11-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

hehehe it's been quite awhile since i've been at school....

1. using your journal, write a thousand, or more, word essay describing your future life as a slave. What do you do? Where do you live? what do you say? what is required of you? how does it feel? let your imagination go wild. make sure you save what you have written for later.

2. write your reflections on the questions found at the beginning of this chapter:
how do i have to change to be what i want to become?
how will you be different when you are a slave?
what actions and decisions will, in fact, transform you from who you are now to what you seek to become?

3. use your journal to write the names, email addresses, and phone numbers of possible references. contact them for permission to use them as such. assure them of your discretion.

4. if you don't have any references, what can you do to create, find, them? ask people at your next munch, club meeting, or party what they do about referencing. use their answers to develop a list as how you will develop references for yourself.

5. pretend that you have received an email from an applicant who says that he has felt betrayed by people he has met online and would like some assurances that you are a trustworthy person. write a letter in your journal that you think will allay his fears by proving that you are trustworthy. show it to a friend and ask for comments.

trusting......myself and others

2005-11-27T14:13:00.000-08:00

trust is a big issue for me, so i thought i'd devote an entire entry to it. i feel like i'm posting too much. but, i always have so many thoughts in my head, it helps to write them down.

i just finished reading part of the book on trust.

the "confidence in the ability (technical proficiency), reliability (commitment), and veracity (truthfulness) of a person"

well, let's take that definition and see how i apply it to me...

i'll keep it in the framework of this past year, because it was within that time that i accepted the fact that it's not always what other people think. i basically turned myself into a hermit, because i had no confidence in myself; to do anything. least of all, believe in my ability to judge character. my succession of abusive relationships, not to mention, abusive friendship~~led me to believe i was a poor judge of the people i let into my life, and, that it would never be any different, and i would always let people in who hurt me (in abusive terms).

my childhood abuse history was a factor, as well. i believe/d what my parent's taught me. that i was good for nothing, and that i was not important. and, that i could not make choices for myself, let alone healthy choices. i believe/d also that my body was something to be ashamed of, reviled, and that no one would want me. on the other hand, i also learned that sex was all my father wanted me for (that's the way it seemed, anyway). so, it stood to reason that all men would only want me for sex. i didn't have a mind, i didn't have preferences, i certainly couldn't have fear, and maybe the biggest of all, I HAD NO CHOICE.

so, that's the first one, ability.
the second, reliability:

as a child, i was not allowed to commit to myself. being able to do that implied that i was important, and that i came first. but, no, my parents and their needs came first. i had to disregard myself in order to survive.

i mean, what kid under the age of 16 can survive on their own????? sure, there are runaways, but even then, they don't know HOW to take of themselves. i'm digressing because i was telling someone (i can't remember who it was), that i blamed myself totally for what happened because i was there. my mere prescence caused it to happen. they responded with, could you have done any different????? you had to be there simply because you couldn't take care of yourself otherwise.

and, they were right.
anyway, back to committment:
in my adult relationships, i have been unable to commit to anyone. the merest hint of commitment and i run for the hills. most of the 'relationships' i've had, they were a bad commitment-risk, anyway. there was one, though, that was not abusive, he was a great guy, we had fun together~~but, when it appeared to get the littlest bit serious, i sabotaged it. in a big way. back then, i was pretty naive about such things, so, that was part of it. but the big part was being terrified of being happy with a man.

the last thing, truthfulness;
that's a big change that i've already made. it's something that i'm proud of. i don't lie to other people, anymore. i hate lying now. in myself, and other people. i do still lie to myself, in my head. but, i rarely lie to other people, anymore. when i say i lie to myself, i mean that i lie to myself about certain relationships. it's more denial. i would say that the lies i harbor now have to do with denial. i have huge denial.

so, having major issues in the first two components, and having small issues with the third.

i can see that i don't have as much trouble trusting other people, as i do myself. i mean, trusting others isn't the big thing. trusting myself is.

the book also mentions trust being gained through one's reputation.

i can build my reputation with the people i'm just now meeting.
but, i feel like that with ALL the people that i used to know?? my reputation is shot to hell. i'm the slut, and....the slut. i never did anything on purpose, either. i wanted people to like me. and, there was everything that i believe/d about myself meshed in with it, as well. so, i was the sexually promiscuous one, the one with no self-esteem who would do anything.

of course.....the people that i used to know, and what they think is not important anymore. but, i struggle with letting go of thinking their opinions are facts and they represent the truth of what i am.
even to steve, i was a vessel to pour his sexual needs into. the fact that i am a sexual creature merely encouraged his belief that i was nothing more than that. he never gave a damn about what i wanted and what my opinions were. i can say that because we argued about EVERYTHING. on every subject we ever discussed, he had to be right, and i was wrong. except for buffy, but agreeing on one topic does not make a relationship. i really can't remember if we actually agreed on any buffy topic, but it's the one thing we didn't argue about.
my reputation is tarnished with his friends, as well, because he has a big mouth.

well, shit, there was a lot more there than i thought there was. i'm relieved to have gotten it out.

until the next chapter.....

"bas" first assignment~second question

2005-11-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

blech questions questions and more questions. i'm in enough therapy as it is, thank you very much.
i get uncomfortable with a lot of soul searching. looking at my feelings is something i'm not used to doing. it's very weird; i'm not used to anyone caring about my feelings, especially myself. ugh
i don't want to read further in this book until i do these questions, so might as well get it over with.....

1. what myths and assumptions about slavery do i think i have that might not be based on reality?
~~that slaves have no will of their own
~~they're not allowed to make any decisions for themselves
~~they're not allowed to live for themselves. they're only allowed to live for their Dominant
~~it's wrong to to want to live for someone else
~~it's wrong to let someone make decisions for you

2. can i describe my greatest obstacle to finding a dominant partner?
~~my rebelliousness
~~my hatred of authority
~~being a smart-ass
~~my cynicism
~~i have a hard time caring and nurturing for me

3. what assets do i think i bring to such a relationship?
~~i'm very loving
~~my sexuality
~~i'm caring and nurturing
~~my desire to please others
~~i'm a good listener

well, i guess that's it for now. i'll add to these lists as more things come to me, and the more i learn.

first assignment in "becoming a slave" --1st question

2005-11-27T10:53:00.000-08:00

jeez, a lot of questions; a lot of soul searching.

1. what was my first contact with the idea of slavery? a book? a movie? a friend?
i think every 'relationship' i've had has had some element of kink to it. i've always liked rough sex, and i've always been attracted to bondage.
when i found out that there were other people attracted to the same thing? when i was with steve. that was in '98. i went online and started surfing bdsm sites. i was a regular in the msn bdsm chat rooms for awhile. the nick 'crystalamber' came naturally, and it just seemed right for my bdsm identity. i found castle realm during that time. i think someone in a chat room referred me to it.

2. how did i feel about it then?
it was fascinating. i wanted to, and did, experiement with steve. we scened a lot. i even tried a M/s dynamic with him. it didn't work, and our friends thought it was sick. (i think they felt more sorry for me than anything.) he was such a control and power freak...his interpretation of it was different than mine.
i loved the feeling of being owned by someone.

3. how do i feel about it now?
i'm trying to figure out the difference between fantasy and reality. just within the past year, my feelings have changed radically. i don't even remember how i found out about alt.com, but i put up a profile and started chatting there. at first, i wanted a Master to change my life for me. but, talking to people on alt, i realized that wasn't realistic~that i needed to change my life. so, i backed off from alt for a few months. and, started figuring out what i wanted. not just from bdsm, but my whole life.
i'm just now exploring what i like and what i don't. i've scened with J and b a few times and it was fantastic.

4. why do i find it attractive?
the thought of someone else having control is a huge turn-on for me. the thought of being owned is a real turn-on. i find it attractive because i want to be held by someone and not worry about responsibilities or worries.
i don't want to stand alone, anymore. i want to have someone to lean on. this past year, i've realized that i don't like doing everything myself. i don't know, i can't articulate quite what i mean.
i want to be on my knees and look up at someone and say, yes Sir, your will is my own.
heh, realizing what i said; i find that kind of ironic because AA teaches pretty much that, and i hate AA. i think, though, the difference is that AA teaches to give your will over to an abstract. someone you can't see, can't touch, can't hear. i suppose some would argue with me about the not hearing part. i've never heard him, at any rate. but, having a Master.... someone is right in front of you, caring for you, listening to you, disciplining you if need be, guiding your life. that concept is something i can very much grasp.

5. why am i reading this book?
J reccommended this book to me. it's too bad it's not out in stores, yet. i'm worried about ruining his copy.

6. why do i want to be a slave?
i don't know quite yet if i want to be a slave, or just a submissive. as i understand it, slaves give up pretty much everything.... i'm just not at that place, yet. i'm just now starting to reclaim my life. i don't want to give it up, again. it's mine.
i could use a guiding hand, true. but, i don't want to give up all my choices just yet.

vulnerability?

2005-11-27T09:55:00.000-08:00

i thought that humiliation was something i've been starting to crave. but, talking to J and b last night, i realized that humiliation is the wrong word. however, i'm not sure what is the right word. i started to think that being vulnerable to someone else is closer to what i mean. i have spent my whole adult life resisting being vulnerable, to anyone, because it didn't feel safe. yet, being in cuffs and being flogged feels safe to me. of course, making sure you feel safe with the person outside of a scene is important.

i've been doing a lot of learning and growing just in the last week. it feels good to move foward with my life. i've been stuck for so long; it's a relief.

i have decided that J and b, although wonderful friends, are not what i'm looking for in a deeper relationship. i'm grateful and honored that they want to be friends.
i might as well say it straight out....J told me he is not a very sexual person. and, that's fine; i don't want to change him, or anything. but, one thing i learned from my relationship with david, i would like more affection and sex than once a week, or whatever. i'm a very sexual creature.

i do think that J and b have much to teach me, and i can learn a great deal from them.

what i've learned so far has been incredible. i've learned to be more comfortabe with me, my body, who i am as a person. i can believe i'm a good person, now. and, my past is not all there is to me. and, that, having wants and needs is ok. i'm still struggling with vocalizing my wants and desires, but i am getting more comfortable with having them, and it being ok TO have them.

i am having thoughts of calling steve several times a day. blech i want to call him to say, "neener neener neener, i have new friends. who give me what you tried to." i know that it would be stupid, that it would only cause a fight, or worse. so, i deal with each impulse as it comes up...i kind of wait them out until they subside. and, they do; but, they always come back!!! damnit!... oh well.

i am starting to crave being submissive. i don't know if it's the fantasy or the reality that i crave. maybe both. putting myself in someone else's hands is very appealing.

sub frenzy

2005-11-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

i was reading an article on the albany power exchange website about sub frenzy. it got me thinking about steve (and, i lowercase his name on purpose) (finding myself wanting to steve-bash.)

anyhoo,
what doesn't make me think about steve these days???????????? my therapist called him 'my favorite trigger'. and, she's right.

but, back to the point.....hello, stay focused here.....
reading this article gave me some insight, i think, into my "obssession" with him. it's a strange mix of obssession and compulsion. steve was the first guy that i ever 'officially' scened with. he was the first one i 'officially' ever tried a D/s dynamic. it was doomed even from the beginning. we (as in me and steve), are just not meant to have ANY kind of relationship. and, i say that as if it's a recent thing. it's been over for six years, for crying out loud. he's been married for almost 2 years!!!

why is it that i can't get this boy out of my head???????????????????????

sub frenzy......i think...............

he was the first one to show me these kinds of feelings. he's like a drug in my system. i stay away, from him and his friends (who used to be my friends too!!!!). i stay away and stay away. and tell myself i'm moving on, but really i'm not. thoughts of him start circling around in my brain, but they don't go away. as much as i try to make them go away. the thoughts get worse, the compulsion starts. i feel compelled to see him. i fight it for a few days, but ultimately, i give in, and go down to his building. his (my!!!) friends live in the same building. so, i go see them. hoping that i'll see him. if we see each other, usually there's a little/or a big, tiff between us. i gave that man? so much power over me. i get mad, storm away, and swear not to ever see him again. until the next time the obssession/compulsion gets out of control.

this last time around?? he called my house fifteen minutes after i had gotten home, from his place, no less! i miss the call and the machine got it.

why i called him back?????????????????

i was hoping for a recoincillation(sp). that is the plain truth of it. i was hoping he would tell me that he was sorry for everything, and could we be friends. ugh blech i called him back surging with hope.

what actually transpired made me realize what a retard i was being about the whole thing.
he had called me to bitch and bitch and bitch and whine and cry. the situation is too ludicrous to type out. i realized something while listening to him.

i did not want to fight with him any more.
the situation was stupid, and didn't merit/warrant/whatever, an arguement. i let my buttons get pushed, i know it, but i also knew the song and dance that comes when that happens. and, i didn't want to do it. period. so, i told him whatever, and hung up on him. YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was three weeks ago, i think. the next weekend, i went to a slosh. there i met J and b, and i got invited to T/their play party the next week.

and, the rest they say is history......

first post

2005-11-26T13:10:00.000-08:00

well, this is it. i've really started on this road.
i looove being flogged, and i like wax play. but, that does not a submissive make. it feels kind of weird to voluntarily put someone else in control. when i've spent my adult life rebelling against authority. but, are those terms the same?
the webster dictionary definition of control ---
2 a : to exercise restraining or directing influence over :
the definition of authority ---
1 c : an individual cited or appealed to as an expert~~2 a : power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior ~~3 a : persons in command~~4 b : convincing force
the definition of power ---
1 a (1) : ability to act or produce an effect ~~b : legal or official authority, capacity, or right~~2 a : possession of control, authority, or influence over others ~~3 a : physical might

as a side note, it's so weird that technology has grown to the point that an actual dictionary is not needed. you just have to go online to look things up.

back to the point:
hmmm....i think i'm going to have to contemplate these terms and definitions for awhile.